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They're beautiful. My Uncle brought me some jade chopsticks back from Korea while he was on leave, he only stayed for one day....he made so many mistakes, he'll be paying for them the rest of his life. It's a sad thought really, a few moments of "fun" leads to treks across the country instead of trips, and heartache and pain during the time you're actually home. I think that's really sad... three in SC, one in Missouri, and one we met for the first time that is in TN. 5 damn kids...and he's not married, he married all three of the mothers at one point in time I think. When he says "Don't be like me," he really means it.
I'm starting to feel the effects of lonliness...I can sense purity, I can't do things that some guys have trouble with all the time, even if I wanted to. But it's a large ocean...one with no passing ships, no shore of familiarity for me to wash up on...I guess maybe I don't know what I want anymore. But I think that the problem is that I know what I want, but I don't know if I want to do what it takes to get it.
I think I'm tired. Maybe that's it, it's been a long day. It's been a long chain of long days and lonely nights laying on the couch thinking of the empty space beside me, both physically and mentally. Nights knowing that somewhere out there there is a quest that needs it's knight, and that I'm not there to take the challenge. Sitting in the car looking out the window, knowing that my life is passing by as fast as the landscape in front of me...or maybe it's just plain lonliness.
When you know that you're meant to stay looking in the store window for the rest of your life...
-Jedi |
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Kimi ga ima boku wo sasaete, Boku ga ima kimi mo sasaeru
Dakara mayoi nagara mo tomo ni ikiteikouyo, mirai e to
Namama to tawamure sore nanide itemo
mono tarinasa wo kanjite shimau
Sameta me de mirarete
Kawaita jidai no kaze ni fukareteiru
Akiramekireru MONO naraba, saijyou kara kyoumi motanai
Wasurerareru MONO nara, hitsuyousa mo kanjinai kara
Fuan na kokoro to yuuki ga senaka awase ni natteiru
dakedo ima nara yume wo kono te de kanaete miseru yo
Kitzutsuite koware souna hi mo, namida shite komaraseru hi mo arukeredo
bokura ha(wa) sore wo koete ikunda, dare yori ue wo mezashite
Tanoshii koto dake, erande ikite mo
sono saki ni wa nanimo mienakute
dakara donna koto mo
genjitsu kara nigenaide uketomeru yo
daiji na MONO ga aru naraba, mamorinuite miseru kara
ushinaku shitakunai MONO ni, jibun no subete wo kakeru yo
kiyou ja nai kara toki ni kizutsuke, kizutsuiteiku
dakedo ima nara sukoshi jishin wo motte arukeru yo
kodoku da to kanjiru hi demo mijime da to kanjiru hi sae aru keredo
bokutachi wa kitto hitori ja nai to omou yo kimi ga iru
naze hito wa toki ni ayamachi wo...
koukai wo shite mo shikirezu...
naze hito wa itsumo, soredemo to koeteikou to suru?
Kimi ga ima boku wo sasaete, Boku ga ima kimi mo sasaeru
Dakara mayoi nagara mo tomo ni ikiteikouyo, mirai e to
Kitzutsuite koware souna hi mo, namida shite komaraseru hi mo arukeredo
bokura ha(wa) sore wo koete ikunda, dare yori ue wo mezashite
Translation:
You support me now, and I support you now
So let's wander and live towards the future together
After figthing with friends, and being that way
I feel that something is missing
Looked at with dry eyes
And being blown by the dry wind of this time
If it can be given up, I won't hold interest from the beginning
If it can be forgotten, I won't feel the need for it
The unsure feeling and courage is standing back to back
But right now, I will make the dreams come true with these hands
There are days that I'm about to break after being hurt, and days when I trouble you by crying but we will over come that, reaching for top more than anyone
Living by choosing fun things but nothing can be seen beyond that...
So whatever it is, I will never run away from the reality but instead will accept it
If there's something important, I will protect it
At the thing I don't want to lose, I will put my everything into it
I'm not talented so we will hurt each others and ourselves
But I can walk with a little more faith now
There are days when I feel lonely, and days when I feel miserable but we're probably not alone, you're there
Why do people make mistakes at times...
Can't feel guilty enough...
Why do people always try to go beyond others?
You support me now, and I support you now
So let's wander and live towards the future together
There are days that I'm about to break after being hurt,
and days when I trouble you by crying but we will over come that, reaching for the top more than anyoneCurrent Mood:  okay |
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Time: 11:05 PM
I'm feeling better today to a point, I guess it's just because I went out and did something tonight. Went to go see Chronicles of Riddick with Jereme and Isaac tonight, was a good movie. But I guess the best part was when we went into the shop with the swords before the movie...they were amazing. There was one that was red and gold....I'm getting it with my first check, the XBox can wait. But that sword, it was calling me during the movie....agh, I have to have it.
Jereme and Isaac and I are going to train with foam (they have a hard center, don't think they're flimsy, they'll still hurt) training swords, we're going to buy them either next week or the week after that. I really can't wait to start because I think this is going to be fun. I'd like to get to the point where we can use actual swords and fence. This summer is going to better than I thought.
-Jedi |
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Maybe it's just because I'm tired, that might be it. But I am extremely fed up with people's bullshit as of late. There isn't as much of it as usual, but it's just gone too damn far. People get so focused on one thing, they forget to look at the whole picture, and then they hurt other people whether they mean to or not. And it's sad because friendships get ripped apart for no reason other than the damn blinders that other ignorant people put on so that they can't get hurt by other people.
This might seem a bit confusing, but it all makes sense in my head. I don't know, I guess I have some serious bitching to do, maybe that's why. I guess I just keep it in or some shit, GOD knows I can't say any names here, or to pretty much anyone because things always get out somehow, or someone lies about something for their own benefit. If there is one thing I know now, it's that the people I give the most chances turn out to be some of the worst people I know. And I don't know if they mean to be or not.
-Jedi |
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I haven't written in a while (Wallstormer) due to my computer being down for the count until I take it apart and replace the floppy drive so it will boot and I can install Win98SE. But I really don't feel like taking it apart right now. So yeah, I was going to go out of town all next week for a retreat with the youth group I used to attend so avidly, but my mother won't let me go. I don't understand why she is being so restrictive as of late, I think that she's trying to get all the demanding in that she can before the possibility of me having a say in my life kicks in. Whatever, it's not too long now.
I now spend my time listening to the same SG CD that I managed to burn before my computer temporarily kicked the bucket, sitting near the phone contemplating if I want to call anyone. I just don't have any friends is all, I don't know who to call, lol.
I also find myself disgusted with one of my friends. He was talking about a girl I used to like, how he liked her too at the time, but then he realized that he would be lowering his standards by dating her. Naturally, I inquired what he meant. He said that her relationships usually were short-lived and physical, and that he would be "lowering his standards" by dating her, that she was now "dead to him". All this is alright with me, opinion is opinion, but what made me incredibly angry was how he brought up all these Christian moral standards in other topics we discussed. Was it not Jesus who involved himself with the lowly for their sake? Seriously now, just don't think that it's right for him to try and bring this high and mighty bullshit when he can't realize that you don't date for yourself, you date for the sake of the other person. At least, in a way...it's hard for me to describe. But I think his attitude was rather selfish, I've always found him to be rather selfish and self-involved.
I guess the way I look at it, she's a great girl, and if her previous relationships were short and physically based, what would happen if someone saw her as a person instead of an object and just treated her the way she should be, maybe things would change. I just think that people should think more about other people and the possibilities if they thought a little more broadly, that's all.
-JediCurrent Mood:  contemplative Current Music: Spyro Gyra - Cafe Amore |
| » Chill out, we've just started. |
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So this week has sucked. I've screwed my wrist, got stranded on E. State (a story I don't want to type up), played 3rd wheel, have woken up to shooting pains in said wrist, have had nightmares and dreams I wish I hadn't, and to top it all off, I can't even go over to Joe's today because mother seems to have a rod up her ass. But that's ok.
Next week I hopefully get a car, insurance, license, maybe work on the gf thing while I'm at it...hopefully I'll start training next week for my job at Charley's, I just definately need to get out of this house and get moving. I'll read to keep myself alive in the meantime.
Jun. 10th, 2004 @ 04:32 pm
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| » Still Confused... |
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Agh, this layout=LameX17...I can't figure out how to delete notes or any of that stuff...anyway, today was the last day of school. It was kinda lame, I didn't do much, but then, what was there to do? I guess it sucked because Jereme was off with his gf, and Issac was off with his new gf, so it was just me and Hector. Don't get me wrong, I like hanging out with Hector, but I guess I kinda wish I was off with some girl, just for a change I guess. Oh well, I guess I shan't complain or anything, just kinda wondering about it. But I played some DDR today, got a B on Holic on Heavy, so I'm pretty proud...it's a really fast song. I have to work on End of the Century on heavy, I just barely survived that one. I guess DDR and music and gaming in general is my substitute for the closeness I lack to people. Eh.
-Jedi
Jun. 4th, 2004 @ 07:03 pm
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| » Confused |
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I definately find the navigation on this site to be a little weird...I don't know if you can note people or if you just type or what...but anyway, I'm not too concerned...about much of anything. Had a few good conversations with people today, went to graduation...which was an experience all on it's own, but that matter is resolved. I just had a lot of great talks with a lot of great people... so yeah, if I talked to you today, that means you're a great person (on the phone), but if I didn't, that doesn't mean you're not a great person.
-Jedi
Jun. 3rd, 2004 @ 09:51 pm
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| » Resolved Anger |
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I made this last night because damn FreeOpenDiary wasn't working....so now I'm here....and yes, I know that people will recognize me from FOD, but I guess I don't care too much...hopefully that means I'll be noted by old friends, eh?
Anyway, I can't say I'm looking forward to tomorrow....I have to march in the damnable parade (here's hoping for rain), and I have a little more studying to do for Chemistry....wish I could focus on Chemistry.
I was talking to Michelle (R) today, we talk about a lot....I have to say, I enjoy talking to her. Though it wouldn't seem like we would, we have alot in common. Well, maybe it's not that we have a lot in common as it is that we just both have opinions and thoughts and don't mind sharing them. I think it's awesome when people say what's on their mind instead of just trying to go with what everyone else is doing.....that is pathetic.
You would think that I wouldn't have to much to bitch about I guess...I just wish I did I suppose. I mean, the one thing I really complain about feels like a huge deal to me. It would be one thing if someone was pissing me off or if I was in a fight....instead, it's that I kinda feel happy....I just have this hole. This huge damn hole. It feels like I cant be happy without this hole being filled. And it's making me angry.
Maybe I'm just destined to not be with anyone, that I align myself with my writing and DDR and gaming....but it just doesn't feel right...it's like I've been cast for Higgins, but feel more like Eliza or something, I have no damn clue. All I know is that no matter how much life gets better, it keeps sucking anyway.
May. 30th, 2004 @ 10:08 pm
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jedipaladin's journal